My truth

My truth about anxiety and depression....

I think I've always had an issue with this--ok, I KNOW it's been an issue. From making my sister order for me from a fast food counter to throwing up every day before school in 9th/10th grade. You could say I'm a nervous person. But anxiety and depression have never controlled my life like they are in the present.

I'm the person who doesn't feel right if I don't have anything to worry about. I've had this good anxiety habit going on for years. I try to keep a low profile, avoid things that make me feel worse, and will cry for weeks (along with physical illness) in advance of any kind of public presentation. That's normal right?

I've said this before, but my hormone levels must have gone completely wonky after Paxton was born. I've tried a few different medications. Ive found one I'm happy with, we're just still working on correct dosage. I've also, along with Cody, started some counseling.

Any kind of anxiety treatment usually starts out with the speech about the fight or flight response. Our brains are primed for a predator’s attack, so when we perceive something as a threat, we get the same kind of feelings as if a lion’s about to eat us, even if we’re just making a mildly unpleasant phone call. I guess it's important to know what's happening when I’m flooded with panic, but it doesn’t really help ;)  And, although I know most people are trying, their advice for handling it doesn't help either. 

When I worry, my thoughts race in a vicious circle--I feel anxious about something, I try to reason myself out of it (sometimes with the help of others), think I feel some relief, only to have the
anxiousness start all over again. Do my worries have some basis in reality? Sure. But I've read that's not the real problem. "The real problem is a physiological and psychological addiction to worrying that’s supported by wonky brain chemistry, memories of past negative experiences, and the deeply-held  belief that life isn’t safe. "

We're working on it. Getting to the root of anxiety and working on balancing out those crazy chemical imbalances. We're working on how to identify my triggers so my mind doesn't end up in a tailspin by throwing fuel into the fire. 

For those of you who don't deal with anxiety, you might think that this is an easy task. Either way I look at it right now, being anxious or trying to work through my anxiety, it's exhausting.  It's hard to let go and not fill my mind with (what I feel) are urgent thoughts. It doesn't feel right,  as if I don't prepare by worrying, something will end in disaster.

But you know what? I've thought (and thought and thought) that way for years and it hasn't worked out that well-- so I guess it’s probably time to try something new.

I do want to say that I'm over the fact of "not being able to do this on my own".   Who cares if I need a little help, at least I'm getting some help. And I absolutely COULD NOT do this without the love and support of my husband. Huge props to him!