I'm not exactly sure how this happened,


even though I've honestly tried my hardest to prevent it.


But somehow....




this guy is no longer my little baby. he has turned into such a big boy :(

Bummer

I wish I was a better blogger, I really do.  It just seems that these days I have nothing exciting to talk about. We live the day to day and nothing seems "blog worthy." 

Because really, does anyone want to hear about the fact that....

*we can't keep up on laundry. for some reason laundry is the most hated job at our house
*our house is too small for 5 people. we don't have enough storage and clutter has overtaken
*i go to bed early because i literally can't keep my eyes open
*our mornings are either wonderful or a nightmare. and it's all dependent on small thing...a 3 year old named kenley
*after being potty trained for a couple months now, kenley has regressed and is now doing a lot of pooping and peeing in her big-girl undies. that girl is a mystery to us
*the side effects to my medication have really declined and i'm feeling a lot better. it only took 6 weeks!
*i'm thrilled fall weather is starting to set in. i'm all about jeans and sweatshirts
*my 3 year old daughter is taking a vacation with grandma deb in a week to virginia to visit auntie jamie and uncle joey. i have such mixed emotions....i'm excited for her, i'm jealous i don't get to go, i'm sad because i know i'll miss her, i'm nervous about her going on an airplane, i'm thrilled that she gets to have this experience. (**** but i know auntie jamie is going to take lots of pictures to remember her first trip to virginia, right jamie? wink wink)
*i have a new office this year at work. our school continues to grow and the building is getting smaller and smaller. i'm not located with the rest of the early childhood team and i strongly dislike that
*we haven't been to brandon for the last two weekends and it's driving me crazy. we are going back this weekend, and i can't wait
*people might think we're crazy that we're grown adults with our own family and we still have to go back to our hometown every weekend (including my husband), but honestly i don't really care. i miss hanging out with my mom and sister
*since going back to daycare, all three kids have had non-stop coughs and snotty noses
*i was sick last week and missed two days of school. that was honestly the sickest i have ever been. fever, chills, muscle aches, a headache that could have killed a cow, and a throat that could have started a forest fire. it's amazing how fast a z-pak works
*i have great ambition for things i'm going to get done at home while i'm at work, and the second i get home the couch just reaches out and grabs me before i have a chance to get away
*i am addicted to coke (coca~cola that is)
*i desperately miss my sister-in-law (and brother-in-law) since they moved to virginia in july. even though when they were in st.paul we didn't see them very often, but i think it's the fact that we can't see them even if we wanted to. it's different and i don't like it very much.
*i'm going to go crazy when my new niece/nephew comes and i won't get all the snuggles i want

see, who really wants to know about all of that?

Happy Friday :)

struggling

I seem to be struggling with a lot of things lately.  I'm not quite sure how to describe it. Things don't make sense in my head, so I'm sure it won't make sense on the blog. Sorry for that.

After Paxton was born, my emotional well-being kind of fell apart. The crying and anxiety was out of control. My doctor and family all agreed. I started an anti-depressant and things changed, for the better, in a quick way. However, over time, I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy with how things were going. And in "things" I mean, my life, my feelings, my emotions, my anxiety. I was on this medication for almost a year but decided to wean myself off. When I initially started, my doctor felt it might be something I needed only short term. So, I decided to stop taking it and see where I was at. Wow! I was not in a good place. This summer was horrible for me (emotionally). I was crying over E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G!! I didn't even know what I was crying for, I was just always crying. And my anxiety, again, out of control. I (and my family) knew I needed to be put back on some sort of medication. Not necessarily what I took the first time around, but something. I know there are numerous options out there for anti-depressants, and I knew we could find something that worked for me, and we had to find it before I started back to school. Because let's face it, I'm still depressed and still have anxiety. I wasn't able to see my doctor as soon as I was hoping, so the nurse gave me another option and scheduled me an appointment with a psychologist at Sanford Women's. Great! She could get me in in 2 days. I was excited about the plan. So there I sat, on her oversized, plush, leather couch, blubbering my eyes out for an hour. I liked it though. Everything she said made sense to me. We discussed different medication options and she made the recommendation to my doctor. I am now on a new medication, however I can't say I'm overly pleased, yet, bummer!  It's something that I've been increasing the dosage, and I've only been on the full dose for about 2 weeks. I am experiencing some pretty unpleasant horrible side effects though. Now I understand that all medications have side effects, that's why I'm willing to continue with it. I'm just hoping they don't last a whole lot longer. But I still struggle with how I'm feeling. And I can't decide why.

But let me tell you people, struggling with mental health is exhausting! What I've come to realize though after the past several months is, that being depressed is not the result of personal weakness and it is not caused by something you did "wrong." It is treatable. And boy am I ready to get back to being "myself."